The Perfect Swimsuit

So that vacation is coming.  Yeah, the one at the beach.  The one where we take our normal clothes off and squeeze into thin pieces of stretchy material and walk around in front of other people like nothing weird is happening.  How did this become OK, I wonder?  Why not just paint our bodies different colors and march outside?  Those suits don’t hide much of anything.  Whatever happened to those attractive black swimsuits with the white trim and the bloomers?  Those outfits even came with fetching caps!

Honestly, which would you really rather wear on the beach--the 1890’s suit or the tiny scraps of fabric known as a bikini? 

Let’s go a step further; which would you rather force other people to wear on the beach?  Haven’t we all stared in amazement at one time or another at the woman who’s packing a good 200 lbs. and yet sporting a bikini?  It makes one wonder, does she stand in front of the mirror and suck her stomach in really hard and say, “Yeah—I look pretty good.  Let’s get to that beach, now!”  Did her eyes get scorched by the blistering sun the last time she hit the sand?  Is that the problem? 

Skinny women should be happy to slip into the 19^th century suits.  They don’t have to worry about their ribs showing or people commenting on how thin they are.  The inevitable bothersome comments about how little they must eat can be avoided.  Perfect.  

“But,” you may be asking, “what about the women with nice figures?  Why should they have to wear big frumpy suits?”  You silly goose!  Those are the ladies you really want to cover up!  If that needs to be explained, you need to wake up and notice all the men on the beach wearing those dark sunglasses.  Yeah, the ones that are pretending to doze off….

Yep—it’s time to turn back the clock.  This summer, bloomers for one and all!